As we state often, there are always exceptions to every rule, but some things are fairly universal. Women tend to hold their own birthdays in high regard; there’s the happy party vibe, and there’s the mild self-loathing that accompanies her feeling of getting one year older. It’s a tense time for any would-be gift giver, to be sure. There are certain things that guys simply should not get their girlfriends for their birthdays, however — unless she explicitly asks for them. Some could get a guy slapped, and some might hurt not for what they could get him, but for what he won’t be getting after giving them. These are the 15 worst birthday gifts to give a girlfriend; don’t make any of these mistakes.
Any Household Appliance
Nothing says romance like a vacuum cleaner. You may think you’re being thoughtful, but the sight of a brand new toaster, vacuum, iron, and so on is tantamount to saying “how about you clean up your dump of an apartment.” Unless she’s in genuine need of one of these things, and asks for it, this is not what you want to hand her on that special day.
Acne or Wrinkle Creams
We see women spend ridiculous amounts of money and time on facial creams, exfoliants, complexion repair treatments, “age-defying” lotions and all the other things they gobble up on a regular basis. Some of us might get the bright idea to get a girl some of this stuff for her birthday, thinking it’s normal and apparently appreciated. We’d be wrong. Getting a girl anything but scented lotions is like saying she needs some work done, and she’s not likely to appreciate that very much.
This should be a no-brainer, but it happens. Guys run into the problem fairly often; their girl gets a little lazy with work and school and setting aside relaxation time, or there’s just too many shots and not enough laps — whatever the case may be, getting her a gym membership is not the answer. It’s liable to get you slapped if you’re not careful (duck fast) and there’s really no way around the fact that it’s pretty insulting.
Nose Hair Trimmer
As odd as this sounds, it’s happened more times than should ever be counted. Usually as part of a bigger package, lazy guys make the mistake of not accounting for the unisex nature of travel kits. It’s bad enough that you’re handing your girlfriend a totally insincere, last minute “gift,” but having a nose hair trimmer as part of the deal is like a slap to the face — something you should probably expect if you try this one.
A Cook Book
Much like the household appliances, this screams anything but romance. In fact, what it says most is “get to the kitchen and make me sandwich.” You may as well hand her some oven mitts, an apron, and a bag of flour while you’re at it. As nice as it’d be, we don’t live in the world of Mad Men, and you’d be safer taking her out to dinner instead of giving her instructions on how to make you dinner.
A Bikini Wax Kit
This says “I don’t like the way your whole crotch looks, and I’d like you to change that for me.” Not exactly the romantic message you want to send to a girl on her birthday, is it? A gift certificate to an expensive, full service salon/spa that also offers bikini wax services is a better bet. You never know, while she’s there, she may decide on her own to go ahead and trim the grounds.
Facial Hair Remover
These things, hilarious as they may be, are all the rage right now among women. They apparently do work for all sorts of things, but women don’t generally react well to guys suggesting they use them. You may think you’re being clever in getting her a useful tool to use in her never ending quest for beauty, but she’ll think you’re telling her she has a mustache and a unibrow.
A Stripper Pole
No matter how much she may flirt with the idea of getting one of these things, her birthday is notagainst, then feel free to offer to buy her one when that time comes. Just don’t be that guy who gives his girlfriend a stripper pole for her birthday; you’ll never hear the end of it. the day to present her with one. If she decides she wants a stripper pole, an event for which the odds are decidedly
Somewhat like the stripper pole, these ridiculous things are often talked about by women who are fully aware of how dumb they are, but still find some recreational and exercise value in them. The thing is, you can’t just up and give her one of these workout DVDs, and you definitely can’t do it on her birthday. It’s basically saying “you could use this, you’ve been letting yourself go.”
Expensive Diet Plans
You watch her eat like a bird, she’s picky as hell, she wants to lose five pounds, she eyes every diet in every magazine, and so on, and so on. It doesn’t matter what she says or thinks, you’re not supposed to agree with her in the first place, much less force any sort of diet on her. Even if you spend $1000 on some fancy, wholly ridiculous diet plan and hand it to her, you’re still saying “you’re fat, eat this instead, fatty.”
Tickets to an Event You Want to Attend
This is usually pretty hilarious to watch take place, but painful at the same time. It goes something like this: Guy wants to go to game/concert/fight/etc. Girl wants to go see [insert any female singer/songwriter] live in concert. Guy doesn’t listen and/or care and buys “her” a pair of extremely expensive tickets to the event that he wants to see, and hands them to her acting like he just gave her an amazing gift. She struggles not to strangle him, thinks he’s an idiot, and she’s right.
Anything for Her Car
You might think you’re being super helpful and cute by getting her something for her car; maybe it’s a set of matching seat covers or maybe it’s a GPS navigation unit, or even a new sound system that makes your own look like crap. News flash: Chicks don’t really care. If it’s some sort of interior add-on, she’s probably not going to like the color, because she would rather choose it herself or not buy it at all. If it’s electronics, then she probably won’t see the use in it since her stuff works just fine, or she’ll use it like it’s cheap OEM garbage and completely waste the money you spent on it. Just leave her car alone, it’s not worth going there.
The Walgreens Special
Evidence that a guy completely forgot or blew off his girlfriend’s birthday until the very last minute, the Walgreens Special is simple: You hit up Walgreens or any drug store that lies between work and home, and raid the place for anything and everything that could possibly fill the gaping hole that should be filled with a real birthday present.
A Card with Money
What are you, her grandfather? Nothing says love like a wad of cash, right? Giving her money for her birthday is basically treating her like a prostitute, and that’s how she’ll feel. You may as well leave it on the nightstand, and give her a slap on the ass while you’re at it. Don’t be her John, be her boyfriend.
Nothing at All
While, in most cases, she won’t even say a word should you get her absolutely nothing for her birthday, this is the absolute worst thing you could do. Even if she swears up and down for three months beforehand that she doesn’t want a present from you, you should attempt to find some way to honor her wishes but go against them at the same time — even if it’s a single flower, or taking her out to dinner. Just don’t blow it off like you got away with something, she’ll remember it.