Wednesday, February 17, 2010

League of Extraordinary International Douchebags

lor Swift — his lyrics speak for him. He makes terrible analogies, has utterly no respect for famed musicians of the past or present, and he’s convinced that he’s God. As if all that wasn’t enough, he loves to sport sunglasses that have no function — unfortunately many other celebs have picked up the habit as well, but they’re usually the type that make lists just like this one.

Matthew Mellon

Matthew Mellon is part of one of America’s most influential and wealthy families — with ties like Gulf Oil, Carnegie Mellon University and Alcoa. Matthew inherited a $25 million trust fund at only 21, and started blowing it on cocaine, guns, celebrity company, and whatever other ridiculous or dangerous things he could get his hands on. He almost overdosed, and instead of reforming, he divorced his wife went back to hit the slopes some more. He fired his next fiancee, and left her financially dry, only to jump to another woman shortly after. What a sweet guy.

Dane Cook

Dane Cook is best known for his work as a comedian, but has also stepped into the realm of acting — which is unfortunate for us all. He’s a douchebag, hands down, and his fellow comedians can’t even manage a word of respect when asked. For one, he thinks that saying a word in an obnoxious way is funny, regardless of whether or not the joke has anything to it. Not only that, but somehow he always manages to get work — even in highly publicized films that subsequently turn into box office flops. Few comedians have ever managed to make a successful transition into acting — like Bill Cosby, Dave Chappelle, and Jerry Seinfeld. It’s understandable that comedians touch on similar subject matter, but Cook is notorious for stealing his acts. It doesn’t help that the first word out of most people’s mouths when asked about him is “sellout.”

Leona Helmsley

Hotel operator and real estate investor Leona Helmsley liked to play dirty. Her and her husband once faced 188 counts of tax fraud for illegally charging more than $4 million of personal expenses to Helmsley Enterprises subsidiaries and conspiracy to defraud the government of over $1 million in personal income taxes. Personally, Leona faced federal charges of Extortion and Mail Fraud, and all while earning the nickname “the Queen of Mean.” If you can believe it, those weren’t the douchiest things she’d ever done. When she died in 2007, she cut two of her four grandchildren out of her will, and left the largest chunk — around $12 million — to her dog, whose name was Trouble. Over $8,000 per month is set aside for the dog’s grooming, and she’s set to be buried by her master in the family mausoleum, which was ordered to be steam cleaned once per year.  

Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt

Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, born Hans Robert Lichtenberg, is not royalty as his name suggests. He gained his useless title by being adopted by the late Princess Marie-Auguste von Anhalt at age 37, in a business transaction. He has since adopted other men who want similar titles. “If someone offers you $2 million, you do it”, he said about it. Frédéric is married to Zsa Zsa Gabor, and has previously claimed having an affair with the late Anna Nicole Smith, although it was later debunked and he was called a “chronic fabricator.”

Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest is a cookie-cutter douchebag. He sucks up to celebrities, pretends that stupid candid pictures of them are news, and overwhelms us with his terribly boring personality. On the whole, he gives all Americans a bad name. Once while awkwardly interviewing the young cast of Slumdog Millionaire, he failed to pronounce their names, so he simply held up his cue card to the camera right in front of them. That wasn’t as bad as the time he held up his hand to a blind kid on the American Idol casting call, expecting a high five. He grabbed the contestant’s wrist, and put it in the air as an assist to himself.

Vincente Zambada Niebla

Vincente Zambada Niebla is the son of Ismael Zambada — drug lord of Mexico’s Sinaloa cartel — and he got an easy ride to the top of his father’s operations. Before he was arrested in March 2009, he lived in a mansion, drove exotic cars and made sure to have no less than five armed bodyguards at his disposal at all times. He did some heinous things to people and lived in the lap of luxury while the rest of his country laid in toil, and all the while he acted like just another playboy out on the town.

Marcus Prinz von Anhalt

Marcus Prinz von Anhalt was one of the men that bought his title from Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt. Before 2006, he was known as Marcus Eberhardt the butcher, but has since made a name for himself in German tabloids as a playboy. He prefers to be called Prinz Germany, and owns more than 20 brothels and nightclubs. Although prostitution isn’t illegal in Germany, he has served over four years for tax evasion and human trafficking. Besides his over-tanned lobster face, one of his most douchy features has to be his Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe covered in a Louis Vuitton multicolored monogram print. Now that’s classy.

Stavros Niarchos III

Stavros Niarchos III is heir to a billion-dollar Greek shipping fortune, and likes to make his way around the Hollywood cesspool of women — Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan being among them. He likes to party, and can’t help letting the douche shine though: He once paid a homeless man to pour soda all over himself and has almost mowed over pedestrians on several occasions while driving intoxicated.

Albert Prinz von Thurn und Taxis

A small history lesson: German law hasn’t recognized royal titles since they were declared void right after World War I. Albert von Thurn und Taxis is one of those douches who instead shoved the title into his last name — but at least he didn’t buy it. His family is worth a staggering amount, and Albert alone is worth $2.1 billion, which allows him to live a lavish lifestyle. He likes to race cars and grow facial hair. That’s about it.

Stephen Dent

Stephen Dent is the heir to the DuPont fortune and has a keen taste for sex slaves. Some of those slaves even extorted him for $150,000 each, after threatening to reveal everything to his wife. He didn’t stop there: The girls sucked money out of him at every corner because he couldn’t control his urge to do raunchy things to them. He once even paid a girl $15,000 for one day of free play. But this douche definitely deserved it, and the girls were smart to milk every penny out of Dent.

Christian Audigier

French fashion designer Christian Audigier ties up our list of International Douchebags for not only being a douchebag himself, but for spreading douchebaggery of monumental proportions to the general spray-tanned populous. He is the founder of the Ed Hardy fashion line, amongst many other similar lines. It all began when he served as the primary force behind the Von Dutch line and trucker-hat trend, and has since gotten out of control. He’s spread his brand from the Christian Audigier nightclub in Las Vegas to a whole slew of Ed Hardy beverages — from energy drinks to vodka. It’s pretty sickening. Many hail him for succeeding in the fashion world so quickly, but we just want to burn everything that sports the Ed Hardy logo.

Digg Google Bookmarks reddit Mixx StumbleUpon Technorati Yahoo! Buzz DesignFloat Delicious BlinkList Furl

0 comments: on "League of Extraordinary International Douchebags"